The Gift of Asking Questions...

I remember as a teen and into my young adult years, I really had a phobia about asking questions. If I had to articulate why I felt that way, it would be because it made me feel stupid.

I know, I know... I have heard that adage, "There is no such thing as a stupid question." Fine. But that is certainly not how I felt. In fact, the older I got, the less and less I would ask questions. If I did feel the need to ask a question, I would always go over it in my mind.... just to make sure it was a "good" question before I "asked" it. (Remember... I had to avoid looking stupid...) Pretty shallow, I know.

Recently, though, I have come to really appreciate what a gift asking questions can be. And you know the funny thing is.... children seem to have this gift in abundance. They have a million and one questions about everything under the sun.... Actually, I take that back... they have questions about the sun and everything around and above it too. Children just seem to have this natural gift of asking questions so uninhibitedly. And I think there are great lessons to be learned from that. It reminds me of a particular life experience that happened earlier in my married life and one I recently recalled--

About 10 years ago, when my (now 19yo) son, Hailame, was about 9 years old, we were sitting down as a family for Family Home Evening. My husband was giving the lesson and as part of the lesson, he was sharing the story found in the New Testament of the sick (palsy) man who was lowered down through the roof to get to Jesus, in a home that was completely packed with people. Immediately, my then-little son began asking questions: “How did the sick man get on the roof? How did they get his bed on the roof?”

My husband answered his questions briefly and then tried to redirect his attention back to the main point of the lesson. But my son’s curiosity kept the questions coming: “How did they get the man on the bed and then down through the roof? How did they get those other men onto the roof (who helped the sick man down)?” Exasperated, my husband stopped the lesson and began chastising my son for asking, what appeared to my husband to be, insignificant questions. He went on to explain the necessity of asking "good", better questions.

Of course, my son’s feelings were hurt and needless to say our family home evening was brought to an end and the children were sent off to bed. While the children prepared for bed, my husband and I talked and agreed that an apology was in order. But I could tell my husband's heart was not completely in it. He felt it was important to ask "good" questions and the instruction he was giving his son was out of love. But he offered to apologize anyway.  

A couple weeks later, after our sacrament meeting, my husband was asked if he would take, bless and administer the sacrament to members of our ward that were confined to their homes usually due to medical reasons. We called them “shut-ins”. My husband agreed, but having no companion, he decided to take our 9yo son, Hailame.

When they returned home, later that day, my son came charging through the door. He was smiling, laughing, and talking so fast I could not understand a word he was saying. After a few minutes, I caught the phrase “I have to go and tell my sister” and then he was gone.

Hoping I could get an explanation from my husband, I watched for him as he followed our son into the house. Surprisingly, my husband’s demeanor was drastically different from what I saw in our son just moments before. My husband was very quiet... and I thought I even detected tears in his eyes. He did not say anything to me, but simply motioned for me to follow him to the family room and there he explained the following—

After he had finished blessing and administering the sacrament at the first home, he felt prompted to stay and visit a bit with this elderly member. The member was thrilled and expressed how wonderful it was to have visitors, especially young visitors from the Primary. Much of the little time they had together visiting was spent interacting with my 9yo son. Because of its success, my husband and son lingered a bit at every home they visited.

At the last home, my husband administered the sacrament to an elderly sister. As soon as she realized they would linger a bit to visit with her, she immediately began addressing my son. She talked about the many places she had traveled and at one point, she stopped and took a photo album off a nearby shelf. She asked my son, “Have you ever heard the story of the sick man that was brought through the roof to be healed by Jesus?” My husband reported, “My son looked at me and nodded his head.”  Then this sister asked, “Do you know how they were able to do that?” Looking at his dad again, my son shook his head.

Opening her album, she flipped to a set of pictures she took during a trip to the Holy Land. In the pictures, she shows my son a hillside and along this hillside, there are homes. As I understood it, because of the sloping feature of the hillside, the homes are built almost like a flight of stairs. The roof of one home could easily serve as the patio or porch of another home. Because of this, it would be easy for anyone to stand on the roof of the home just below it... and thus easy for four men to lower a sick man on a bed through the roof into a home, because the roof would be nearly flush with the front door of the home that stood above it on the hillside. In the course of just a few minutes’ visit and without even knowing it, this elderly sister answered every single question my son had posed just a few nights previous.

In the car on their way home, my husband reported, he once again apologized to this son of his. But this time the apology was much more sincere from a much more humbled father. 

Reflecting on that experience, I am touched at how easily it is for a child to ask questions and expect answers.  Somewhere along the path of life, as I get older, I lose that uninhibited ability to not only ask, but to expect answers. 

Perhaps this is why the Lord encourages us to "behold our little ones" and to "become ye even as a little child". In the scriptures, He has certainly been clear about asking questions: "Ask and ye shall receive." Short, simple and to the point. Maybe this is where I have to practice a little more faith and a lot more humility. 

If you think about it, asking questions requires a certain degree of vulnerability... and confidence. "Vulnerable" because you have to humble yourself enough to know that you need help. And "confident" because you expect there will be an answer. I know it is not coincidence that our children would have this gift down so well......

Any questions?

Lessons from the Dog Whisperer...

A few days ago, I was watching an episode of "Dog Whisperer" and was surprised by what I learned... and  not just about dogs.

If you have never heard of the show "Dog Whisperer", it is about a man named Cesar Milan, who is called upon by dog owners to help them with their dogs, because of his expertise in the field.

In this particular episode, the "Dog Whisperer", Cesar Milan, is hired by a couple who run a small business of owning and training dogs to sniff out drugs and explosives on a busy port. Already, the couple owned three dogs and had recently added another three dogs to their pack. From the footage, it was apparent the dogs were well-trained to do their jobs. However, the owner's concerns were not in what the dogs were doing "on the job", but rather what they were doing "off the job".

On two different occasions, one of the newly acquired dogs--a chocolate lab--had attacked another dog from the original pack--a german shepherd. The attacks resulted in wounds serious enough that the trainers were finding they had to feed and walk the dogs individually, for fear more attacks and greater harm would be done to the dogs. Walking and feeding six dogs individually was taking up the bulk of the day, leaving little time to train. It was an inefficient way to run their business, and certainly took the joy out of training their dogs. So, they turned to the Dog Whisperer for help.

When the  Dog Whisperer arrives, the dog owners immediately begin sharing their list of concerns. Cesar interrupts at one point and says, "[So] you want a balanced pack." Both owners immediately nod with exclamations such as "yes" and "that's it".

Now, I'm not sure what a "balanced pack" means, but I did think it was interesting that Cesar would articulate what the owners desired  and not just what they were concerned about. It was the difference between being able to see the end goal and simply seeing what was immediately before them. It even made me wonder if the owners really knew what their ultimate goal was. They obviously knew what was bothering them and could express those concerns fluidly, but they could not clearly express what their end goal would look like. Perhaps, because, they had not clearly envisioned that goal for themselves.

There is something positive about this. When Cesar was listening to the owners describe their situation, all they could do was talk about the bad behaviors and the concerns they had about their dogs. Cesar listened and then summed up their negative perspective with one positive goal.

In my life, many times I get so caught up in what is before me--in dealing with the challenges and conflicts at hand--that all I care about is making those obstacles go away. If you ask me how my day is going, it would be easy for me--much like these owners--to list the concerns about what is going on in my life... all the negative stuff. It would be much more productive and motivating for me to focus, instead, on what my end goal is and truly try to envision that. It is certainly a much more positive perspective.

Returning to the show, Cesar, then, has the owners show him the dogs. The camera pans to what appears to be a warehouse located  along a busy dock. The dogs' kennels are set against a backdrop of pallets of cargo. The barking and growling of the dogs, as Cesar and his camera crew approach, is deafening. You can see the dogs jumping up and down along the sides of their kennels trying to get out, barking loudly as the sound echoes obnoxiously off the warehouse walls. Cesar observes for what seems like a moment and then points to the glaring lights overhead and the noisy port just outside the doors, located just a few feet from the dogs' kennels.

Briefly, Cesar explains to the owners, in essence, that the dogs are surrounded by a chaotic, busy, and noisy environment. Even the commands given by the owners are loud. (From footage taken earlier of the owners interacting with the dogs both on and off the job, you can see and hear the owners yelling: "Get it! Get it!... C'mon! C'mon!... That a girl!... Good girl! Good boy!... ")  Cesar explains to the camera audience "[The dogs] have a job [to do], but they do not know how to rest... [They] never learn how to find whatever [it is they are looking for] calmly."

After his observations, the Dog Whisperer goes to work. He steps into one kennel and notices a warning sign--the dog's pupils are huge with a green film around them, a sign that the dog is in fight mode. Upon further inspection, Cesar finds the same physical feature among the other dogs... definitely a sign that the dogs have not moved from their "work" mode to a "rest" mode. Before Cesar can address that issue, he must first address the anxiety and stress between the dogs.

Cesar begins by putting the two dogs, most at odds with each other--the chocolate lab and german shepherd--into the same kennel with his supervision. With some coaxing and redirecting from Cesar, the dogs  interact cordially. Shortly after, Cesar takes them for a walk., saying, "The fastest way to help two dogs that want to kill each other is to have them walk together--as simple as that." To some extent, I think that would work for people as much as it works for dogs.

He takes a short walk with the two dogs, correcting, directing and training them as they go. Then he comes back and adds a third dog to the pack... then a fourth.. then a fifth and sixth. Within a couple of hours, Cesar is walking the dogs as a pack while the owners observe.

When he brings them back to their kennels, he briefly, again, gives the dogs additional training, teaching them how to enter their kennels quietly and calmly. Surprisingly, the dogs submit... entering their kennels submissively and remaining quiet and calm in their kennels. They are so subdued that Cesar is able to leave the doors open to each kennel. When a dog attempts to move outside the kennel, Cesar gives a quiet command and the dog immediately retreats into its lair. After working with the dogs for just a few hours (three to four hours), you could see a marked difference. Cesar uses the moment to point out to the owners that this was what he had envisioned as the end goal--each dog quietly and calmly remaining in its kennel with the gates open, until summoned for work or for training. It was a most amazing thing to see...

In the end, Cesar states: "It takes patience to train a dog to find drugs, weapons and explosives. But it also takes patience to train a dog to find peace."

I really liked what Cesar had to say about finding peace. It never really occurred to me that finding peace might be something that is learned, something that could be taught. As I contemplate the world that I live in, the world my children live in, I can not help but think of the harried lifestyle our modern life can bring with it. And in all that chaotic, noisy, business of life, learning to find peace would allow people, like my family, to live a much more balanced and fulfilling life. As a mom of eight, I feel impressed to make this learning more concrete in my home, more visible, more accessible... and not just some vague, peripheral concept.

Coming away from the episode, I realized I have much to do in my home, in my life.... and all this spurred on by the lessons I learned from the "Dog Whisperer"... :)